"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die."
Thomas Campbell

***

Raleigh, NC
August 22, 2000

The cruel beauty of the late afternoon sun spread dapples of warm gold over her upturned face. A soft breeze rustled through maple leaves, shifting the light in random patterns across the cool grass at her feet. Just another example of God's sense of humor. Perfect weather for a day at the beach, a picnic... a baseball game.

She could feel him behind her, arms wrapped gently around her waist enfolding her in a playful hug while that husky whisper pushed his warm, sweet breath against her neck. The bat focused their hands, gave them something to hold on to while their bodies spoke words their lips hadn't yet found the courage to say. As they struck at the pitches, swinging in the perfect symmetry born of their joined hearts, an occasional hit would soar into the velvet night. Surprised delight, soft laughter, blissful smiles. And the promise of so much more...

Fleeting moments in time, remembered with an aching sweetness and the bitter regret of so much left unsaid. Simple pleasures shared with a man who owned her heart so completely that it had followed him into oblivion. She could feel the hollow space in her chest, filled now with a pain so intense that it squeezed the breath from her lungs and wrung a soft cry from her aching throat.

*No more. I can't cry any more.* But even as she clung to that thought, her eyes filled and fresh tears joined the barely-dried tracks on her face.

Her mind simply could not grasp the finality of this parting. If she allowed herself to believe that she would never see him again, never hear his voice, never feel his touch, she would lose what little remained of her sanity. After three long months of hanging on by her fingernails, she could feel herself slipping into a comforting madness where Mulder had never left for Oregon, where they had found out together that she was going to have his baby and where the horror of those moments in Montana were nothing more than a nightmare from which she would soon awake, safe in his arms.

***

Helena, Montana
August 18, 2000

The lead had been promising enough to send Doggett 2000 miles to investigate. A day later, he had called Skinner with an update so hopeful that she had insisted that they join him. Everything pointed to Mulder, and she had allowed herself to hope.

A man who called himself Absalom operated a compound outside of Helena where he sheltered a terrified group of men and women who believed themselves to be returned abductees. When Theresa Hoese appeared among them, Doggett had called Skinner. Then the body of a man who had disappeared the same night as Mulder was found.

Scully had visited Theresa Hoese and been devastated by the woman's injuries. The realization that she was seeing confirmation of her nightmares nearly drove her over the edge. Mulder's screams seemed to echo around her and Skinner had had to act quickly to halt her collapse to the floor. When she had regained her control, she demanded to see the body.

She had performed the autopsy against Skinner's advice. They both knew what it would do to her but she couldn't be deterred. As she stood over the body calmly recording the devastation her scalpel revealed, her hope had begun to change. Her mind kept replaying the images from her nightmares, filling her with a pale echo of the pain he must have felt. And she began to believe that anything was preferable to enduring this torture for three months. Even death.

Later that day, she and Skinner had gone to the compound where Absalom explained that their interference was sure to cause more deaths. He pleaded with them to leave, to allow him to continue with his work. Another man who Scully recognized as Jeremiah Smith took her aside and tried to convince her that Mulder's life depended upon her decision. He begged her to stop the investigation.

It was in the midst of this conversation that Skinner had received the phone call that altered her life forever. He had come in to the room where she was talking with Smith and asked her to come with him, his eyes so full of grief and guilt that it froze her heart. He couldn't look at her.

"What?" She grabbed his arm and waited until he met her gaze. "What is it."

"Dana..." His voice broke and he tried again. "Dana... I'm so sorry."

She released her hold on him and backed away, shaking her head in denial. "No." Her voice was dangerously low.

"Dana, please. Sit down." He approached her slowly. "Please."

"NO! It's not him!" She jerked away from him as he went to steady her.

He let her see the truth in his eyes. "Dana, he's dead. Agent Doggett found his body a few minutes ago." Skinner reached out to grasp her shoulder. This time, she didn't pull away. "It's over."

She had insisted on being taken to him at once. As they approached the search team clustered in a field nearby, Scully recalled her wish that he be spared the pain, and knew what she was about to see. The crowd had parted at their approach to reveal a form on the ground, covered with a blanket. Doggett was kneeling next to it and looked up when he heard her sharp intake of breath. His eyes were deep wells of sadness as he stood to face her.

"Agent Scully..." He reached for her but she stopped him with a look so fierce that it stilled his hand and moved him back a step.

Scully stood for a moment, looking down at the blanket. She slowly dropped to her knees and ran her hand gently over the scratchy wool, feeling the shape beneath. The men around her were utterly silent.

She drew in an unsteady breath and pressed her teeth against her lower lip as her hand pulled back the edge of the blanket very slowly.

He was laying on his left side, his head resting on his left arm as if he had stopped here to rest for a moment as he made his way back to her. His soft brown hair was longer, shaggy and falling across his forehead. His beautiful eyes were closed, dark lashes resting against faint purple shadows beneath them. She touched his face, stroking gently along his stubbled jaw. Her fingers sought the pulse point on his neck though she knew there would be only stillness there. His flesh was cool and empty.

"Mulder?" Her soft plea was answered by a muffled sob somewhere behind her. She leaned down and kissed his cheek softly, then whispered, "Forgive me." Her body began to fold in on itself until she lay senseless, draped bonelessly against his lifeless form.

Scully remembered little of the next few hours, only flashes of moments that would forever haunt her dreams. She had pleaded with Skinner to forego a post mortem on Mulder's body. There was nothing to be gained and she couldn't bear the thought of any more damage being inflicted on his tortured flesh. It was the least Skinner could do and he made the necessary arrangements.

When the plane lifted off with Mulder's body in the cargo hold and his partner huddled into her seat next to Skinner, it seemed that even the strangers around them felt her torment. The flight passed in eerie silence and when they touched down in Raleigh, the other passengers exited quietly. It seemed appropriate to her that the world should feel his absence and she felt oddly comforted.

***

Raleigh, NC
August 22nd

The approaching dusk cooled the air around her and she shivered slightly. Most of the mourners had left long ago. Only Skinner and her mother remained, watching her from a discreet distance, unwilling to intrude. There was something about her posture that demanded space and they had respected her boundaries, but it was time to go.

"Dana?" Maggie Scully touched her daughter's shoulder lightly. "Sweetheart, we have to let them take care of him now."

Scully turned to face her mother and nodded. She rose slowly and walked to the casket. As she approached it, her toe dislodged a clod of earth and knocked it into the opening beneath the bier. The sound of it hitting the bottom of the concrete grave liner echoed in the stillness.

She touched the casket with trembling fingers, stroking softly over the smooth surface. Then she took one of the white roses from the spray that covered the lid and brought it to her lips. The silky petals smelled of summer. She leaned down and kissed the warm wood. Before she straightened, she whispered the words that she had waited too long to say, words that would haunt her heart for as long as she lived.

"I love you."

Then she turned and let her mother's hand lead her away.

***

The End