I can't seem to get enough of it these days, especially since you started dozing off with your son tucked against your chest as you are right now.

When you're asleep, you look like a little boy. I've always thought that, but never so much as now with your own mirror image resting securely beneath your gentle hand. I tried once to take him from your arms, afraid you might drop him in your sleep. You didn't wake but your face creased into a frown and your grip tightened just enough to keep him with you. It took several minutes for you to relax again, your fierce protectiveness returning to stand-by.

He looks so much like you right now that it makes my heart ache with the memory of all the times I worried and wondered. I spent so many nights imagining the worst, fearing the possibilities. I wanted so much for him to be yours... prayed for it, hoped for it. When we found you in that field, the only thing that kept me going was the possibility that I had a part of you still with me. I think if I hadn't had that hope...

It's hard for me to let go of the fear, Mulder. Even now, I find myself falling back into the nightmare whenever you're out of my sight. I know I couldn't survive it if anything happened to you now, not even with your son here for me to hold on to. I used up everything I had this time.

You think you know what it was like for me, living without you, because you went through three months without me a long time ago. I know you were upset, I know you were consumed with guilt, I've heard how afraid your friends were that you had finally been hit with a loss you couldn't handle. But it's not the same, Mulder. You had lost a dear friend, a partner you'd grown to depend upon as you'd never allowed yourself to depend on anyone in your life. You may even have loved me then, though I doubt you could have admitted it to yourself. What I lost when I buried you is beyond words, beyond anything I could ever have imagined. I never want to feel anything like it again. Ever.

I'm ashamed of my selfishness. I've been given two miracles in my life and I have no right to wish for more, but I do. I want the danger to go away. I want to stop being afraid that I'll wake one morning to find this has all been a dream and that you're still dead, that my child is not mine... not yours. I want your eidetic memory to fail this one time, to allow you to forget what was done to you. I want...

"Scully? What's wrong?"

I'm pulled back to the present by the concern in your voice, kept soft so as not to wake the baby in your arms. The frown is back but this time your incredible eyes are fixed on me. I had no idea I was crying until you reached up to touch my face.

"It's nothing, Mulder. I was just watching you sleep and I guess I got a little emotional." I manage a watery smile and give your hand a reassuring squeeze. "I'm all right, Mulder. Really."

"You're crying."

"They're happy tears, Mulder. Seeing the two of you like this seems to have that effect on me." My smile must be improving, judging by the one I get back from you.

William chooses this moment to stretch his arms and legs straight out for a moment before curling back against his father's chest and I can feel it in my belly, the way he used to do that before he was born. I miss it. I suppose I always will.

I can read you so well, just as you can me. I see the thoughts swirling in your eyes and I'm sorry for the added burden my uncertainty has placed on your heart. *The truth, we both know.* So sure, so confident, never doubting that I'll be able to come the rest of the way with you.

"We're going to be okay, Scully. Do you believe me?" You're offering me your strength, holding out your hand for me to grasp in the darkness as you always have. All I have to do is find the courage to take it. I can do this, Mulder. For us.

"Yes, Mulder. I believe."

***

end