Mulder was having problems of his own just getting past the foyer. He had thought he was prepared, but the strength of his reaction to the scents and images of this place immobilized him. He closed his eyes and drew in a soft breath. He had lived here for ten years yet it had never felt like home until this moment. He pushed himself forward, forcing his gaze to move around the room to begin the reconnection with his life.

"Missing a molly." He had stopped in front of the aquarium, bracing his hands on his thighs to peer into the tank. He turned to face her and moved back a step to sit on the edge of his desk.

"She wasn't as lucky as you."

He smiled in that mysterious way he had developed over the past few days, his eyes unreadable. Thoughts that were too jumbled, too painful to express, flashed briefly across his face.

"Mulder, I don't know if you'll ever understand what it was like... first learning of your abduction... and then searching for you and finding you dead. And now... to have you back..." Her voice was thinned to a whisper by the aching tightness in her throat and her eyes glistened with the tears that seemed to come so easily these days.

The pain in her voice stretched the delicate threads of his control and he reached desperately for his tried and true deflection technique, one perfected over seven years of near misses. Allowing a small smile to quirk the corners of his mouth, he quipped, "You act like you're surprised." He waved his hands in a gesture toward himself that said *What did you expect of ol' Spooky?*

Scully looked at the floor, sucking in a calming breath that did nothing to calm her. "I prayed a lot... and my prayers have been answered." Her eyes begged him to let her in. They had been like this since he woke in the hospital and she was desperate to break through the wall he had placed between them.

He smiled self-consciously, then raised his eyes to hers for a moment before centering his gaze on her swollen abdomen. "In more ways than one."

She followed his gaze to her belly. "Yeah." It was the first time he had acknowledged her condition and she didn't know what to expect. When she looked up, the sadness in his eyes stunned her.

"I'm happy for you." His pressed his lips together to halt the sudden trembling. "I think I know... how much that means to you." Their eyes met and held for several seconds before he broke the connection and returned his gaze to the desk.

She didn't know what to say to him anymore. It was as if he had become two people, one of whom had never learned to trust her. That was the Mulder she seemed to be dealing with more and more. It was killing her by inches.

"Mulder..."

He looked up at the hurt in her voice and his expression softened for a moment.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound cold or ungrateful." He seemed unable to meet her eyes for long. "I just... I have no idea where I fit in... right now. It's just, uh, I'm just having a little trouble processing..." another glance at her belly, "..everything."

"M..." Her voice failed and she tried again. "Mulder, what's wrong?"

He squeezed his eyes shut tightly for a long moment and hunched his shoulders as if warding off a physical blow. Suddenly the distance between them was intolerable and she moved to his side. When she placed her hand on his shoulder, he flinched slightly and looked up into her eyes.

"Mulder, I can't imagine what you're going through. No one can. You need to tell me what you're feeling."

Mulder stood so abruptly that it tipped her off balance. She grabbed for his wrist to steady herself and he froze. They stood that way for a long moment.

Scully released her grip on his arm and slipped her hand into his. "Sit down, Mulder." She pulled him gently toward the couch and they sat facing each other. She searched his eyes, trying to see past the carefully constructed mask. The man she knew and loved was behind that mask. There *had* to be a way to reach him.

"This isn't like you, Mulder, this... attitude. Cruelty is not in your nature and I want to know what you're trying to prove." His mask slipped for just an instant, but not so quickly that she didn't catch a glimpse of the turmoil beneath.

"I don't think I have much left to prove at this point. And I'm not deliberately being cruel. I guess three months under ground must have dulled my social skills."

She regarded him silently for a moment. "Are you angry with me, Mulder? Is that what this is all about? Because if that's the case, I think you need to spell it out for me."

He fixed his gaze on a point somewhere over her left shoulder. "I'm not angry with you, Scully. I just feel like I've walked in at the end of the movie with no idea what's led up to this point. Life has gone on without me and I don't know how to react to... anything."

She took both his hands in hers and squeezed until he looked into her eyes. "You told me once that you were afraid a baby would come between us. Is that what's happened?"

He glanced down at her belly almost without realizing it. "I guess that's part of it, yes." He hadn't even acknowledged this to himself until now. Suddenly, his free-floating sense of betrayal had a focus and he looked up in surprise. "Blame it on my enormous ego, but I'm a little hurt that you moved on so soon after my disappearance." There was no hurt in his voice, just a sad irony that he didn't try to mask.

She stared at him open-mouthed. He couldn't possibly think what it sounded like. All at once, his failure to comment on her obvious condition made perfect sense and she cursed whatever had kept her from seeing it until now.

"Mulder, you need to brush up on your math skills." He was impossibly dense but she loved him. "You've been gone for six months. I'm seven months pregnant. This didn't happen after you left." She sat back and waited for him to come to the right conclusion.

Mulder's mind was racing. Their last IVF attempt had been six months before he was taken. Shortly after that last failure, they had become lovers. They had never used contraception because they knew she wasn't able to conceive; that had been verified during the physical checks that were required prior to implantation. So...

She saw it in his eyes the instant he realized what she was telling him.

"I can't explain it, Mulder, other than to repeat what you told me. Never give up on a miracle." She touched his face, catching a lone tear on her fingertip. "We made this baby, Mulder. The old-fashioned way."

"Scully, I..." She took his hand and placed it against her abdomen.

"The only thing that kept me going after we found your body was the knowledge that you were still with me in this baby."

Mulder found his voice and his heart at the same moment. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

She leaned into him and he pulled her close, tucking her head under his chin. He felt her smile against his throat.

"Yes, Mulder. Almost as much as I love you."

***

end